Sounds to me like you want to find yourself Aaron. This is really the highest and most demanding of life endeavors. Not many are up to the task... but if you will ...start small by doing little things well... and with excellence.Make a good meal...take care of a plant and make it grow...walk down the street with awareness and a sense of immediateness. Learn from all and listen to no one. And after a life time of search and study you may reach your goal.