View Full Version : I found myself chuckling this morning

Hugo Zhang
30-Jul-2007, 09:51
when I came across a piece of writing on an old lens...

"This is a hard to find 360 Heliar lens. Among those in-the-know, or in the 'I think I know', the Heliar is legendary in its ability to excite breathless descriptions of buttery bokeh, smooth as silk images and transcendent and ethereal sharp softness and/or soft sharpness.
Most reasonable people will dismiss these rantings as an outward manifestation of hopeless gear fetishism. I know I did. Heck, I'm a rational human being, I work in the sciences, and if you can't put it in an excel spreadsheet, then it is very likely to be a fictional at best, or unimportant in any case. But after I purchased this lens and began to use it, a mysterious transformation began to slowly occur in my life. Previously, I could be described as ordinary-looking on a good day. But all of a sudden, I began to feel, well, handsome. I threw my shoulders back, gained 2 inches in height, and hair began to appear on my rogaine-resistant dome. Did any of these thing really occur? Probably not. But the sheer increase in my self esteem from owning such a marvelous lens just made me feel better than if I had been strapped to a chair and forced to watch 48 hours of Dr. Phil

On the other hand, the poor soul who was second place bidder on this lens when I purchased it three years ago has had nothing but bad luck since he lost. The very next day, a dead armadillo flipped out of a garbage truck just in front of his car and took out his windshield. At work that very same day, he was assigned as the new safety and fire coordinator for his floor at work, and forced to keep a ridiculous red fire helmet and badge in his desk drawer at the office. During fire drills, he now has to endure the snickers of his co-workers as he entreats them to leave the office in an orderly fashion. His next door neighbor purchased a Vegetarian Great Dane and let the dog use his front yard as a convenient privy for his fiber enhanced massive and voluminous BMs. Bad Luck in other words.

Slowly it dawned on me that this lens is like a chain letter. Buy it, and your life will improve immensely. Read this description, and fail to act - well, I can't be responsible for what may happen to you, but I hope the story above serves as an adequate warning of the perils of this course of action

The lens condition is used. That is to say, it is not perfect. There are some discolorations on part of the coatings for instance. But there are not any abrasions, scratches or cleaning marks. It comes with a flange mounted on a Sinar size metal lensboard and still is capable of taking great pictures. It comes with both front and rear Grimes-ian lenscaps. But what is more important is that this lens is just what you need to become a Better You."

domenico Foschi
30-Jul-2007, 10:14
That is beautiful, Hugo!
I can confirm that, since Hugo bought that lens he has transformed in an handsome very self confident man.
I have heard that the rare sands used to make the glass was found in a cave where Ali Baba hid his stolen treasure.
The sand, the story tells, was part of the cargo of Noah's Arc. Apparently God told Noah to fill a big chest with this sands for future generations.
God never told him what it was for, but Noah in his blind faith followed God direction.....

domenico Foschi
30-Jul-2007, 10:16
Oh, you didn't write that, ....
My apologies, well what I wrote stys anyway.

domenico Foschi
30-Jul-2007, 10:33
A further research shows that Voightlander notorious for his poor ethics especially after stealing the formula from Alfred Petzval of his groundbreaking lens design that carries his own name which he didn't patent, "came across" this chest with engravings showing these words: "From ME to you. May your vision discover the untangible, may you see ME through this ancient sands."

matthew blais
30-Jul-2007, 13:22
Sounds like a description Dagor77 (Andrew) would write..

Funny stuff

Jeremy Moore
30-Jul-2007, 14:37
heheh, sounds like my friend in Houston had a glass (or 3) of wine with his listing.

30-Jul-2007, 22:33
Thanks Hugo,

Well worth the effort to read and more so to laugh at a great post.

I must remember though to bid high no matter what on any old lens I'm after or suffer the Amarillo or Wombat [whichever comes first] through the car windscreen.

Jim Galli
31-Jul-2007, 08:50
LOL, thank God I have every Heliar from 18cm to 48cm. Now if I could just get those enhancement e-mails I no longer need to quit coming!

Alan Davenport
31-Jul-2007, 09:26
Sounds like a description Dagor77 (Andrew) would write..

I went to fleabay and located the listing to see if it might have been Andrew's. It's not, of course, but this fellow learned from the best.

CP Goerz
8-Aug-2007, 23:54
First off let me say that I would NEVER Watch Dr Phil even if paid in beer money...or even admit to it!!!! The last time I watched Dr Phil my pen*s shrunk and my breasts increased in size!! Nor would I use Rogaine, too late for that $hit! Nor would I use the term 'Bokeh'(Japanese for Bull$hit)

Beyond that anyone who makes Ebay listings more interesting I give em 1110% full backing!!!!!!!


David A. Goldfarb
9-Aug-2007, 04:43
Well, he does make some good points.