Photography and (Clinical) Depression

[Robert McClure]

I just did a site/forum search under "Photography and Depression" and found that nothing has been mentioned as far as the record indicates.

These two topics, in context of one another, are interesting to me. I have been a sufferer of chronic/clinical depression, on and off, for more years than I care to contemplate. My feelings are, first, that this kind of brain malfunction really sucks, and second, photography sure as hell offers a wonderful escape and respite. Many have self-medicated for the pain of depression with alcohol and/or drugs. I feel fortunate to have discovered photography!

Just a few months ago I bought a 7x17 Folmer-Schwing from Jim Galli and I love it. But I've been struggling since then to get the project off the ground. I've had lensboards fabricated and have mounted a lens. But I haven't had the mental energy (typical of depression) to follow-thru on required developing tube, chemistry purchases, checks for light-tightness of bellows and holder, etc., etc.

Versus responders who might say, "Snap out of it!" or "Stop with the complaining, already!," I would prefer responses from those who might know, experientially, what I'm talking about.
I fall asleep at night imagining the photographs I'm going to make and hoping I'll be able to make them soon. Maybe we could encourage each other.

So I sit and look at the camera mounted on tripod next to the 8x10 imagining what it's going to be like once I swing back in mood. Then maybe I can concentrate sufficiently to resume making photographs.

If any care to, you may feel free to contact me off-line.

Robert McClure - Atlanta

[Ole Tjugen]

I know only one cure for that affliction:

Load your film holder(s), and get out and shoot some pictures!

Worry about developing later, when you have something to develop. If Jim Galli sold you the camera, the bellows should be good. If not, tell him I said so ;)

Film can be developed in tanks, tubes and trays. I've recently been trying a new antique developer that shows great promise - a two-bath rapid staining developer. No worries about time, temperature, agitation, contrast - just get the exposure correct and dunk it in! The recipe is on unblinkingeye and APUG: Pextral.

When this happens to me, I try to find a new developer or film to try out. I sometimes buy another old lens, but that is too expensive in the long run - even with $50 lenses...

[Mark_3632]

I'm not going to tell you to snap out of it but I will tell you to take the first step. If you can't get up the energy to build the tubes buy them. Set small goals and attack one each day. Pat yourself on the back and move onto the next. make a list:

1-Check bellows
2-Check holder
3-Check bellows
4-Oder film and paper
5-order tubes
6-buy chemicals.

Keep it simple. If you can't get to this stuff stay away from misxing your own chemicals and building your own tubes. It will cost extra but buy what is necessary.

Clinical depression is a bitch. I've a couple of friends that have it and believe me I know what you mean. Both of them live off small victories and their medication. Most of all quit thinking and do. the list will set the direction.

[Ellen Stoune Duralia]

Robert, I know how you feel and man, sometimes it's just hard to do the simplest things! But I speak from experience - as others above have suggested, try to do something that will move you forward. Start small and the momentum will build. Try not to let the little frustrations get you down.

If you do nothing else, go for walks. The physical activity helps - really!

Also, if I may be so bold (but keep in mind that I am not a doctor and again, I am only speaking from experience) you might try doing some research on an herb called SAM-E (pronounced sammy). Unlike the Dr. prescribed anti-depressants, it has no ill side effects other than it can cause very minor stomach upset until you get used to it. I never had any problems with it but it has been a real help! iHerb.com is good source for it as well as information but you can get it at Wal-Mart too. Do speak with your physician before trying it though - just to be on the safe side.

Take care - you're not by yourself :-)

[John Kasaian]

Robert,

Don't let the chemistry/development part be an obstacle----just use and follow the directions printed on the yellow envelopes and the manufacturer's recommended film speeds. The zone system is fine and well, but you can certainly do without it (yes, you can!) WIth a ULF negative you'll wow yourself with detail anyway. If you later find the urge to experiment with chemicals and filmspeeds, that should be motivation (and fun) enough ---when you are ready for it---but if you want to take great photos don't let that be a hurdle. Wonderful photos have been made with ubitquitous d-76 and dektol on films like Tri-x and FP-4+ and bargain glossy enlarging paper. I've used Naaco 76, available from Freestyle, which is an institutional liquid version of d-76 that mixes easier that the powdered stuff. Good luck!

[bob carnie]

Hi Robert

I , for years did not pick up the camera , as I thought the images through I always came to the conclusion that nobody would give a rats ass about my work and I stopped thinking about shooting, but the images always come back into my head.
I read a book * on being a photographer* by Bill Jay of lenswork. That little book inspired me to photograph a project rather than a group of differing images. I walked by this aluminum crushing plant each day to work and I saw all kinds of neat things laying around. The crushing plant was at the back end of my printing shop so I borrowed a camera and bought a bucket full of film and every Sun when the mood was there I broke into the back end of the plant and started to photograph these objects. It took me one full year to get a series of images I liked and now I am printing them and enjoying my photographs.
Simply , load your camera and pick a topic or topics that is easy for you to do and slowly start and over time , you will find the time to make some images. I think small steps or images that are easy for you to start are the way to go.
good luck

[Emrehan Zeybekoglu]

Hi Robert,
My humble suggestion is that you should concentrate on going out and taking photographs. Also, as it was mentioned before, setting small tasks and not trying to rush through the whole process may be the thing to do. Photography can be quite rewarding even when you follow the simplest procedures with the simplest materials and equipment. Take care..

[jack nips]

one of my favorite magnum guys did a essay about the suicide capital of the world in nunuvut canada
this post reminded me of it-

www.magnumphotos.com/c/htm/FramerT_MAG.aspx?Stat=SearchFeaturesResult_DocThumb&V=CDocT&E=2K7O3R82SOHP&DT=ALB (http://www.magnumphotos.com/c/htm/FramerT_MAG.aspx?Stat=SearchFeaturesResult_DocThumb&V=CDocT&E=2K7O3R82SOHP&DT=ALB)

[Brett Deacon]

Robert,

I appreciate your openness and obvious passion for photography. It sounds like despite the allure of what those 7x17 images will eventually look like, the task of getting to that point seems a bit overwhelming. From earlier responses you've consistently received two pieces of sound advice: break things down into small and manageable tasks, and go out and shoot! I think the latter might be particularly helpful as it will reconnect you most strongly with one of the most exhilarating parts of photography - capturing compelling images. Also, being more physically active and increasing your involvement with activities you value has a powerful antidepressant effect (plus no side effects!). Best of luck.

[Scott Fleming]

I don't know if I'm clinidcally depressed but I wouldn't doubt it. I have some health issues that limit my phisical activity if I let them and that keeps me sitting here at the puter many times when I would rather be out and about. One thing I found that really motivated me was having my best images printed. This got me interested in matting and framing which was better than pounding the keyboard. The biggest boon however was looking at my images regularly which lead me to want to improve them. Through critiquing my own work I learned and saw more than I would have ever guessed. Now I'm driven to get certain images if not perfect at least better than I have produced so far. I think I could spend most of this spring and summer achieving my vision for just a dozen prints or so. So if you don't already, print and hang your images in your own house.

[Ralph Barker]

I agree with the others who have suggested loading your film holders and getting out to shoot, Robert. That way, you jump right to the most enjoyable part first. Plus, a box of exposed, but undeveloped film might be just the motivation you need to work on the rest of the system - one step at a time.

[Andre Noble]

I wonder if Ultra Large Format is biting off a little more than can be chewed in a depressed state?

I mean I think you'd have to be in an manic euphoria to have the motivation to take one of those huge camera out for just one shot :>)

For the low points, consider just a 6x6 medium format with waist level finder that you can quickly toss in a bag and get out of the house with it.

Exercise raises the endorphins, and stay away from all sugar and alcohol.

Finally, if you're in a more northern latitude in the northern hemisphere, the low level of sunlight you're getting this time of year may also be suboptimal for one's mood.

Andre

[Joe Smigiel]

Robert,

Get around some creative people. Whenever I'm feeling low and put off my photography or other artistic endeavors, I take a class somewhere or hook up with people who share my interests. Once around them a synergism occurs and I'm able to start producing work again. In order to combat the mid-winter blues, I've taken a woodworking class and have made some things for my 11x14 and 5x7 cameras. That class is about to end and an oil painting class is on the horizon. Plus, I've also began interacting with a group of large-format enthusiasts (the Midwest Large-Format Asylum) whose interests are varied. That group plans outings and camping trips and it gets me outside with my camera more than I would otherwise. I'm sure similar groups and classes can be found in the Atlanta area. The important thing is to take the first step without judging what the outcome will be ahead of time and leave yourself open to the possibilities.

The other thing you might try is photographing how you feel or what you imagine. I've begun a series of dream images that are related to psychological states and influences in my life. Some of the images I'm able to photograph, others I am painting. regardless, having that inner dialogue going validates the psyche and helps turn the depressive things into the imaginative.

[Darin Cozine]

Robert,
Thank you for posting this. I have been in a similar position for many years. I did not realize just how depressed I was until one day in seattle that changed my life. I took on photography for many reasons. I have allways loved taking photos. (but then I have allways been horrible at it) I am fascinated by the lenses, gears, and gizmos that go along with photography. I am not patient enough for painting. I have thown every free minute into the study of photography, and I have learded a wealth of information.

However I would like to pass on some words of warning. Photography is not a cure but only a means to an end. I have spent way too many hours reading forums, critiquing photos online, and shopping on evilbay(is anybody else ALLWAYS at max watch items?). You can learn alot online but you can also waste a huge amount of time, which only sinks you further into depression.

Here are some tips on enjoying photography:

1. Take some photos right away. Even if they are in your home or back yard. This will push you to get them developed and printed. You will learn a ton from your first experiences and you dont feel bad if you loose some frames.

2. Get outside. Plan a photo excusion once a month. Find local points of interest and spread out from there. Plan on spending the whole day on the location. Otherwise you will spend your whole time setting up an no time composing. I also reccomend going out for a day with a 35mm or a digicam. This way you focus on composition rather than technical details. Then next month go back and re-shoot your favorites.

3. Get involved. Join local photo clubs. Be talkative online. Post prints online. Invite friends over for portraits. Get some prints mounted and show them, even if from your own home. Give prints as gifts.

OK, now here is the first step on curing your depression: Find out the root of your depression. It took me years to find mine. Turns out I am just lonely and bored. I am actively trying to move away from depression, but its a long road. My kids are at a tough age right now and my wife is allways worn-out because we are both working full-time right now. But I am working on it and that is the best therapy $ can buy.

If you ever want to chat please drop me an email.

Darin

[brian steinberger]

Robert,

i am clinically depressed as well and can relate very much to your lack of motivation. it was almost eerie to read your post because of the similarity to how i feel sometimes. Photography has been a part of my life for 10 years (and i'm only 22 years old). i just started large format photography about a year ago, and it actually helps me to keep my mind off of other things. because i was learning something new i was constantly studying and practicing my new format. when i go out to photograph, i am totally in another world. i go into another state of mind, and i'm sure everyone here can relate to me on this one. when i stop photographing at then end of a shoot, it's either "damn what time is it?" or "i'm starving."

my advice to you is to maybe go out with a 35mm camera loaded with your favorite film. alot of times i feel overwhelmed by cameras, lenses, zone system, holders, metering...etc. i just go out with my F4 loaded with Tri-X 400 or Velvia and shoot away, not even a tripod. for me it brings me back to my roots. when i started in photography this is how i began. and it makes me feel free to create, and free from thinking too much about the zone system or carrying too much equipment.

if you choose not to do this or don't have a 35mm, i would just get out (assuming you do outdoor landscape phoptography with the 7x17) and walk around subjects you like to photograph. just study them and look at light. i'll do this alot and it's really neet what you see and notice even when you don't have a camera with you. i think it's engraved in every photographers eye to take notice to composition and light. getting out will also help you feel better because of the fresh air and the excercise.

i don' t think the lack of motivation is due to technical reasons. i just think that you're in a block. sometimes i feel as if everything i put my time and money into photographically speaking is wasted. and this is usually caused by something as simple as a few simple shots that didn't come out. some people might not understand this, but this is how the depressed mind works. but usually i snap out of it when i say to myself that i'm not perfect and that i'm still learning. i don't know if something happened robert and maybe makes you feel less about your work as an artist. artists minds are different from others in atleast some small way. this is what makes us creative and see things differently. if you'd like, feel free to email me, and we can talk about this further. maybe i could learn some things from you as well. i hope my words help. take care!

[Armin Seeholzer]

Hi Robert

I recommend you a little drill from time to time: Start looking around were you are and find some little nice things around you wich you like and look at them very exactly find at least 8-12 little pices and after thad go to a bit larger ones and observating them also about 8-12 pices and now go to really large ones and look at them until you feel better. Then go out for a short walk and luck for good pictures first in the near and then in the far, with or without camera it dosn't matter. After the drill you will find you in a better mood, just start now!
Good luck and good light!

[Jim Rice]

Robert,
My suggestion would be to exspose one sheet of film.The desire to see the result should be highly motovating.

[John Z.]

Robert,
One piece of advice I would throw out is that you can start with easy projects at home if it is hard to get out. Ever notice how Weston took photos of simple objects of objects around him like vegetables, plants, his kids, and even his cats? I have been buying a lot of shells for photographs at home when it is hard to go out on the road; also occasianally flowers, and recently even a pumpkin. I think all the best photographers got absorbed with photographing objects around them when there was nothing else to shoot; you can't believe how important it is to practice and experiment in this way; then when that great photo does come along, you will be ready! In addition, nothing tests your system like close-ups; you bellows factor, reciprocity, tripod stability, and everything else are tested to the limit.

[julian_4860]

Hi Robert, I've suffered from the same illness, as has John Darwell www.johndarwell.com/index.php (http://www.johndarwell.com/index.php) Time is important, but the photography can help in that it can help you to reengage, also it can point you towards things you aren't aware of. I'm not sure if a big project like yours is a the right first move though. Its big, it can fail, small problems become big ones, there is a always a perfect excuse for not doing anything. I'd suggest taking a small camera out and just start shooting, then when that is going well that big camera will start shouting at you to take it out. You've had good advice re subject matter - things close to home, flowers, cars, dirty laundry etc
I've done two projects about that time in my life - one literal one not - but that feeling you get when your brain is buzzing off somewhere whilst your eyes aren't realyl engaged, or they are engaged but not connected to what is going on - its a hell of a thing to try and capture!
I don't mean this to sound patronising, but you WILL come out of this a better person, and your images WILL be stronger as a result. Hang on in there!

[adrian tyler]

dear robert,

"photographys' theaputical benefits" has been a subject i have pondered and discussed with friends many times, and was infact first brought to my awareness many years ago by a friend suffering from depression. however that discussion has always centered around the act of taking photographs-and this is something i think that we as photographers will all agree on-that it it gratifying, liberating, etc...

however i cannot and i have never heard anyone extole the theraputic benefits of doing developing and fixing, for me anyway it's a chore and one that i usually put off or give it to the lab. so given the tremendous task that is taking out a 7 x 11" camera, developing, fixing and all the rest well:

why not just slip a little 35mm point and shoot in your coat pockent next time and i'd be very suprised if you did not get the same benefits form shooting a roll of 35mm, and it may give you the little "click" that you need to get the ulf moving.

good wishes

[John Berry ( Roadkill )]

As a PTSD vet from Vietnam I use photography as my therapy. I agree with others that a smaller format might not be so overwhelming. Mostly I enjoy the time out. I also have found though, that the discipline of large format sometimes redirects me and gets my mind out of the funk. Take the camera out and play with it. You don't even have to make an exposure. (You can take a sheet or two just in case) It's a toy, have fun with it. John

[Paul Butler]

I have a friend who took up rock climbing and became a fanatic. She says that when she is doing it, it totally takes her mind off of everything else. Her concentration is directed so completely on what she's doing that it cleanses her mind of all the usual noise and destructive thought patterns.

Well, I am no good with heights and I would never take up rock climbing! But when I switched from MF to LF, I noticed a direct parallel. When going through the process of finding the camera angle, visualizing the shot, evaluating the range of tones, setting up the camera, adjusting the position, and framing and focusing the shot, then taking the image - the usual routine as detailed elsewhere on this site - I find that it takes my mind completely off of whatever it was that I was thinking about before I saw the image and started taking the picture.

In other words, get out and expose some negatives, any shot will do for starters. Worry about developing later. When one of the negatives turns out to be a stunning image, the satisfaction will be immense.

[Joe Smigiel]

Robert,

Several people have mentioned putting aside the 7x17 and grabbing a smaller camera and using it to break the spell. I'll take the opposite position and tell you to concentrate solely on using the ULF camera and figuring out everything you need to become fluent with it. Stick to using the big camera at the exclusion of all others.

While the previous advice is well intended, I believe it is off the mark. The photography is different with a ULF camera compared to a smaller one, and until one becomes engaged with ULF, the understanding of the challenges and rewards associated with something like a 7x17 cannot really be appreciated. Using a small camera (which I would consider anything under 5x7) does not bring with it the same satisfactions and accomplishments. In this age of auto-everything digital 8 megapixel cameras and inkjet printers, ULF guys have to be a bit off to even consider putting up with the hassles of the bigger cameras. Even finding film and holders to purchase is challenging. But the entire craft and process of making the ULF image makes it worthwhile.

If you are like me, using the small cameras and doing something easy with them or to just be active is not where my head is at. Using them doesn't produce what I want and therefore becomes a source for further negative feelings because I've wasted my time on something I didn't really want to do and neglected the thing important to me. This deepens the funk rather than eliminates it.

There is a reason you bought the 7x17. It doesn't have to do with shooting a lot of film or being convenient to use. But, I'd agree with the others that you need to do something and take that first step to break out of the state you are in. Checking the holders for light leaks would be a start. If hauling the big camera outfit around is too much right now, perhaps using a 7x17 viewfinder frame and just walking around composing with that will get you interested in some photographic possibilities and get you starting to "see" with the format. You can make such a thing out of cardboard and fold it up to carry in a pocket until you see something worth investigating photographically. Once you see it, take notes about when the best time to shoot would be, which lens and film, etc., then return with your camera and put it on that big piece of film.

[Paul Butzi]

If you're like me, the effect of depression is that it makes it very, very hard to get started, but makes it very easy to get stopped. So you'll muster up a huge effort of will, expose some film, feel that euphoric sense of movement, and then a processing problem with the film will stop you dead in your tracks. Or you'll simply wake up one morning incapable of doing whatever you had planned for that day.

Once you're stopped, it's ten times as hard to get started again.

If that sounds familiar to you, you know that at least you're not alone. In fact, judging from some of the previous responses, it ought to be pretty clear that you're not alone.

One thing that helps a lot for me is to exploit my desire to make good on commitments I make.

I'm part of a group that meets every other week, to review new work. The expectation is that you'll show up at each meeting. Not having work to show is not an acceptable reason for not showing up.

So I attend, even when I'm down. It isn't easy, but it helps. You don't have to show up very many times in a row before people start urging you to make some progress, and that helps. When you DO at last show up with a few new negatives, the feedback helps even more. At each stage, you get more positive energy from the interactions, and in turn that helps build up momentum that can help to carry you past glitches that would stop you dead in your tracks if you were trying to tackle it alone.

It's a big leap to go from ground zero to making prints from that 7x17 folmer-schwing. Tackle it in smaller steps, and enlist the aid of others to help keep you motivated. I like joe's suggestion to make a 7x17 framing card and use it to whet your appetite as the first step.

But it's not neccessary for you to try to dig yourself out of the hole by yourself. I don't know where you live, but if you can't find a group of photographers locally, there's always email - a distant second to real contact but far better than nothing.

[Edward (Halifax,NS)]

While you are working up to 7X17, keep taking pictures with smaller formats. I am in the middle of building a 4X5 camera but I go out at lunch a couple of times a week with my Yashica. I am not likely to hang any of these pics on the wall but they keep me in a good frame of mind. Every weekend I am a little bit closer to having my field camera. I can't wait to shoot 4X5 at the lake. There is no way I can carry my CC400 that far. It is a "by the road" camera.

[j.e.simmons]

I've been clinically depressed for 20-years now and I understand what you're saying. I'd follow the previous advice and pick one format - probably the 7x17 and stick with that. At least for a while.

What it's so hard to describe is the feeling of complete worthlessness that can come over you. The feeling that there is just no reason to get out of bed in the morning. I found I needed postive reinforcement, and I found one way to give it to myself.

I got a notebook and wrote down every step needed to accomplish something. For instance, I would not write down "load film holders" - I'd write
1. gather filmholders
2.vacuum and dust filmholders
3.carry filmholders to darkroom
4.take film from cabinet
5.take film to darkroom
6.turn off light
7.open film box
8.load filmholders
9.put unused film back in box
10.close box
11.turn on light
12. check filmholders to be sure darkslides are turned correctly

and so forth. I would then load the filmholders and checkoff each of the items on the list. I'd save the list in a notebook. It gave me a great feeling of accomplishment to check off a dozen items as successfully accomplished - and when I'd feel down on another day, I could glance through the notebook of accomplishments for visual proof that I was able to accomplish things.

I found, unlike some of the other folks here, that being around other people usually made me even more depressed. I found large format photography in the woods alone to be refreshing - and that it helped lift my depression.

[Philippe Gauthier]

I've been through this and I feel your pain... It was a year where I didn't shoot much, however, and I wasn't in LF yet, so my experience is limited. My gut feeling is that you should forget about ULF for a short while, but there have been some good points made in favour of it, so let's go through the pros and cons.

Shooting ULF:

PROS: Big negatives are a big reward. New, fresh look at things. Shooting ULF is a kind of zen that will hopefully allow you to get a better grip on yourlife. No need to develop right away. You can store your unprocessed negatives until you're ready (but that defeats the "big neg, big reward" point).

CONS: Getting the spares and expendables is a lot of hassle. Camera is big and heavy, you must be in a relatively good mood to even consider carrying it. Step by step LF photography looks overwhelming in your current confused/exhausted state of mind - and the cost of failure is just a much as the value of the possible reward. Reward is uncertain and far away in the future.

Shooting 35 mm or MF:

PROS: Camera is small and light, you don't need to gather too much energy to grab it. You can use it around the house or in the neighbourhood, while ULF just seems to aks for remote locations and extraordinary things that you don't have the energy to chase. The technical side is easy - no zone system or complex focusing to tax your confused and/or forgetful mind. All the tedious processing is easily done commercially. Good results are more immediate and easier to achieve.

CONS: Results can be seen as "more of the same" if you are a regular 135/120 shooter. Using a small camera doesn't cure your "7x17 envy". The sense of accomplishment isn't the same.

BTW: Don't mind is your bellows is not light tight. My 8x10 bellows is just a loose mesh of pinholes. hundreds of them, and I can't afford a replacement. But I use it nonetheless, wrapping the bellows in my dark cloth just before I insert the film holder. It works very well, even under full sunlight, even though my tests without the darkcloth revealed severe light leaks.

[Ellis Vener]

I was clinically depressed from early 1986 to about 1990. While it didn't stop me from photographing, the illness made it really really hard to get things done. Doing commercial assignment helped and maybe even saved my life -- knowing that I had real deadlines and that other people's jobs were depending on me. But doing projects just for myself? Very very difficult to even get started. the entire enterprise of just being seemed pointless much less personal photography. There were weeks I didn't leave my apartment.

The photos I did do during that period. I really had to fight for and the spirit of that fight seems to be in them and other people respond well to them too. What finally got me over the hump? Realizing it was just an illness an not my entire life; realizing that staying alive and using photography as a locus for my (non sexual) passions ma led me to the conclusion that I just never knew what surprises a day would bring.

Build your worlds one brick at a time. Fear is the mindkiller. You are bigger than any label or illness. Depression is addictive: it wants you to stay depressed.

[Bill_1856]

Get professional treatment. Depression is an illness just as much as Diabetes or a broken leg, and you wouldn't try to treat those yourself. Photography isn't a cure but it can be an excellent adjunct to effective therapy.

[Ellis Vener]

Agree completely with Bill.

[CXC]

I've been on anti-depressants for about 6 years. AND I own a 12x20 that I am not utilizing as I'd like. As PaulB mentions, it is very hard to get a project off the ground. Once it is going, it is not so hard to keep it going, and the going can relieve the depression some.

The technique with which I have had the most success, is shaping your day around the project. For me, projects are in addition to my normal work life, and I find that after a full day's work, the exhaustion and inertia are more than I can overcome for anything that takes concentration and energy. Therefore I have learned, the hard way, to get up before work and devote a block of time to the project. That's when I have the most energy, which I choose to devote to what is most important to me. This is still not easy, but it works somewhat, which is a hell of a lot better than not at all. It's hard enough for me to get going in the morning in the first place, and this just makes it harder. But once up, I have been known to be productive.

You may have a different rhythm of productivity. Figure out what it is, and schedule a daily, or weekly, routine to maximize your productivity for what is most important to you. With limited resources, it is imperative to utilize them as efficiently as possible. And routine is good.

I use the vague term "project" because it affects many other parts of my life than just photography.

Consider attending the Mammoth Camera Workshop this May in Scotland, with or without your ULF. They provide everything, including cameras. I'm thinking about it, to get over the hump.

Finally, don't make things even worse by beating yourself up over your own shortcomings. If you make the effort but can't get there, give yourself the day off, try again some other time.

Feel free to contact me offline.

[Daniel Grenier]

I showed this thread to my daughter who is a Psychologist/Counselor at a teen drug addiction centre and she agrees that photography is good therapy but it is certainly not a cure. She was impressed by your courage to "come out" on such a forum and share with us (a rarity in men!) but she strongly suggests professional intervention.

Do yourself the favor of a lifetime. Put the camera aside and seek professional treatment. It is available, it works, and it will make you a better photographer in the long run.

All the best to you and remmember that you have NOTHING to be ashamed of.

[Jim Galli]

Hello Robert. As it happens, the weekend before last I finished several 7X17 prints of a local farm truck. The original was done with "my keeper" 7X17 F&S and a 12" Goerz Dagor. One has your name on it if it would encourage you to "get to it". Send me your address again and I'll get one in the mail. A single 16X20 tray will work for developing until you locate a JOBO 2850 tank. Your dream is a good one, the pictures are very satisfying and give me a certain positive self esteem. Sadly, as others have so well said, not a cure, but certainly some powerfully satisfying moments. I think I've learned at 52 that moments are about all we get. The prints are just RC paper so I can roll one up to mail. Might just be the gentle "shove" that you need to get that kettle percolating. All the best to you my friend, jg

[Hans Berkhout]

If you haven't done so, flip through "Feeling Good" by Dr. Robert Burns. Read passages that strike you, passages where you recognise yourself. And then read his recommendations as to how to deal with the issues.

I think Paul Butzi's approach could be excellent for you, failing access to professional help.

Sometimes depression is caused by medical/treatable conditions, so you should get a complete physical incuding labwork (urine, bloodchemistry).

These things are not easy, good luck.

[Hans Berkhout]

sorry, it's written by David Burns M.D.

[David Flockhart]

I understand the dilema from experience. I found it helpful to allow the depression to find my topics for shooting. I couldn't go out and shoot just anything, expecially happy snaps, but because of the state of depression, I found that I could photograph what I saw from that state. In other words, the black place where depression takes you can itself be a place to find your images and in doing so undersatnd your situation better. Visual clues can speak of the inner state and provide a creative outlet for expression. So you don't have to step outside yourself to photograph, just be who you are and where you are. I can only say this was helpful to me. I did find that the energy to do the work was in sort supply but in the doing, (even when not really feeling like it) I found some joy during an otherwise bleak period of my life. Good luck. You aren't alone.

[Robert McClure]

My Friends,

Many thanks for your helpful suggestions. Over thirty-five of you responded and I am very grateful and touched. Each one of you had something valuable to suggest. Many thanks again! I plan to print out all of your words so that I may read them again more carefully.

I am currently being followed by a physician, take an antidepressant, and visit a psychotherapist/spiritual director twice monthly. BTW, I am a therapist myself and have been described as Cyclothymic. Then again Ray Charles told Ed Bradley one time on "60 Minutes" that his blindness was an inconvenience. "I can do anything you can do except drive!," Ray had said, chuckling.

As circumstances would have it, I began a project yesterday at the request of my wife. I have begun to install some storage shelves. Some of them will store developing supplies, chemistry, etc. As some of you suggested, I had to get going in some direction. This has helped.

Again, hearing from you all has really been great and you have helped.

Pax Vobiscum,

Robert McClure - Atlanta

[Wayne]

I also HIGHLY recommend Dr Burns book. Read the first 3 chapters, if you never do anything else. It will explain what is and what isnt known about brain malfunction, and it can help you recognize and correct cognitive errors that lead to depression. Thanks largely to this book, I rarely get depressed anymore, and I had depression for years before finding it. It is easily the best $7 I ever spent.

[Carlos]

A few years ago, I went into depression. Where it just came out of nowhere.
I saw a psychologist and he asked me what was my hobby/interest. He also asked basically if I was as prolific as before. Of course the answer was no.
I took anti-depressants for a few months, but what help me was a group therapy. In these meetings the moderators gave us exercises on how to deal with THOUGHTS and your mind. As it turned out, later on I found out that Buddhism deals with this a lot, via meditation.
Of course at the time I had medical insurance.
My God, what made me more frustrated was my inability and lack of enthusiasm to photograph.
Any way hope my two cents help.

[Turner Reich]

Find or see your doctor and get an accurate diagnosis then follow the treatment, it can be treated, don't let it go on it's not worth waiting and it's no shame.

[jimi-the-jive]

if you're having trouble motivating yourself find some way of setting a soft deadline, organise an exhibition in a local library or an official building, 3 maybe four images, something you can back out of or push back if you need to, but that you'd like to finish. that way you have the memory of the feeling of having finished the work and the pride of that to motivate you in the future.

[Kuzano]

You may be taking on too much before you roll out to get some images. Not everybody who shoots large format also processes their own film, as you can tell by the many posts on this and other sites, inquiring for the names of film processors.

Myself, I am not at all interested in film processing. I don't have the room, the equipment nor the inclination whatsoever. I did some processing years ago and found that my particular interest is in capturing images. For me and my use of large format, just the capture of images is absolutely enough work in itself.

I fussed around with my first large format camera, gathering up goods and pieces and film. But I was making no real progress. I read books on movements, focusing, etc.

Finally one day, it struck me. I needed to take a picture with my large format camera. I knew even then that it might make a big difference to me if I actually set the camera on a tripod, focused and image on the ground glass, inserted the film holder, set the shutter, pulled the dark slide and pushed the button on the remote cable.

I took four images of a lake in the mountains, had them processed and the rest is history. I never have, and likely never will, processed a sheet of film myself. But I love those huge transparencies. I've had many of them scanned (again there are people who do this for nominal fees and much better than I ever hope to) and have printed them up to 13X19 for very pleasing results.

It may motivate and ease your mind to pass on the processing for now, and just capture a couple of images and have them processed. I will wager that your feelings about the process will become highly motivated by seeing what a large format image looks like in the flesh.

As a last note, at the level that I shoot large format images, there is absolutely no way I can justify the purchase of all the equipment and chemicals (notwithstanding the lack of space) compared to having the film processed by professionals. I also shoot medium format, which I do NOT process, so I can pay for a lot of processing before I begin saving money by doing my own.

Also, remember this, it's still YOUR image, no matter who does the processing. I repeat, I bet there are more large formatters on this board who have their film processed by professionals, than who do their own.

[Jim Galli]

Folks, this post is almost 4 years old. Maybe Robert will check in and give us an update.

[John Kasaian]

Wow, this thread is from 2005... I hope the OP has received some treatment by now!

[Dan Fromm]

John, the OP is a practicing psychiatrist.

[Turner Reich]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

John, the OP is a practicing psychiatrist.


????????????,?